Going platinum and hating it..

Am i blessed or what?? the answer is blessed!! haha. my parents love me and today, they proved that they do trust me. meaning, i've gained back the trust that i've lost so many times back then. yay me! im very sure you're curious to find out how they proved that they trust me, right?? well, here it is...

taadaaaa!!!

there you go.. i've been upgraded from a classic card to a preferred platinum. yeah, prefered baby!! haha. thanx dady!! 

i was really excited cuz its pretty. its flat black. not like normal credit cards, shiny and all. its flat black. i love flat black. and i was excited cuz this means my parents are finally trusting me again. note the word was in both sentences?? yes. i was excited. not anymore. do you know why? cuz my beloved boyfriend, whom i wanted to share my excitement with said that "i tak suka you cakap and cite sal credit card you ni. macam you berlagak dengan i. tau la mak bapak you kaya." what the fuck?? berlagak?? if i ever wanted to berlagak in the first place, i wouldn't even turn to look at you when we first met. if i wanted to berlagak with you, the minute i got to know you, i would've left. im not that materialistic bitch. im just blessed. and you dont understand me. you never try to understand me. i gave you so many things. that does not include the love, care, attenition and sacrifices. what more do you want? why am i never good enough? sampai hati you cakap i berlagak dengan you!!! im not THAT bitch. i know where i stand. you dont have to remind me. remind yourself where YOU stand in MY LIFE.. if you dont know where you stand, here, let me tell you. YOU ARE ON TOP OF EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE. YOU ARE MY LIFE. remind yourself on that.

p/s: I LOVE YOU

friends..

here people, as i promised earlier.. here's a post about my FRIENDS...

Raihan @ Hani

we met each other in school. i was in form1 she was in form 2. the first thing i said to her was " nk sket fries".. then she tried to steal my school bag. haha. we went through so many ups and downs together. yeah, when eit

her of us is homesick while we're in melaka, we'll find each other. most of the time she'll come looking for me. hehe. i call her kak raihan. yeah, she's like my sister. she knows practically everything about me. someho

w, we dont really hang out nowadays. its only because she has her peeps and so do i. we were like belangkas cuz we only had each other. yes, we were losers that nobody wants to be friends with. hahaha.. i love her...

Meen golong @ kak meen

this is kak meen, i met her in my 1st semester in UiTM. at first she looks awfully snobbish and arrogant. after a few second, she super friendly and nice. she's like my along when we're in lendu. we're roommates

 now. hehe. and i think she has OCD. she'll wake up in the middle of the night and starts clean

ing the house. yeah, toilet, shower, kitchen and all. i call it her 'sawan babi'. hehe. she's loving, warm-hearted, very kind. but sometimes she can be abit naive and annoying. but the annoying thingy, i like it. it keeps me alive. hehe. thank you kak meen for everything. love you banyak2.

Emi @ amy

this is emi. a very proud penang boy. hehe. my classmate since i was in my 3rd semester. but we barely knew each other back then. eksyen gle kot emi dulu. in my 4th sem, we hang out almost all the time. he's funny and crazy. most importantly, OVER! he'll scream like a little girl every now and then. sometimes, randomly. thus, kak meen calls him overina. hehe. he's a good listener. and he listens to me almost everytime i have issues. thank you. although you piss me of and annoy me most of the time, i sayang our friendship. if you are not who you are, i wouldn't be where i am today. thank you. p/s: if you seek amy @ fuck me. haha

Arafat @ afat

this is afat. yes people, arafat. its a guy. no, he's not a drag queen.maybe not yet. hehe. he wants to be a stewardess. i mean steward. in this picture, we were acting for emi's storyboard. yeah, he became my mother-in-law. haha. this guy here, same case with emi. same story. but he was more friendly than emi was. but he can be way more annoying than emi. haha. anyhow, afat here is also one of my victim. he was always there when i needed some cheering up. a good listener and also a good friend. thank you afat for all the annoying things that you do to keep me laughing.

well, im too tired to continue. ill write about azza and boy some other time and ill include a special post to my beloved girlfriends after that. hehe. ciao!

dissapoinment

WHAT HAPPENED??? DAMN YOU BARCELONA...

Today's life

I just finished doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. we had dinner just now. right after i arrived from penang. today was tiring. i left the house at 7am. Aya picked me up by i ended up driving her car cuz im a better driver. *sigh* her interview went on for hours. fucking long weh. i was ready to blow off my head. the boredom was driving me nuts to the extend that almost all the security guards up front got to know me. yup, i hung out with the guards. haha. i joined them for breakfast and stuff. we talked, well trashed those government officers actually. the penang federal building turned into my playground. =) at around 11am, i just lost it. i went to the car and slept. she called me at around 12.45 telling me that its over and she was starving. i dorve straight to gurney plaza and we had lunch at the foodcourt. we talked for a while and then i told her i wanted to go window shopping. guess what, i ended charging rm200 on my credit card. well, rm200 for 2 pants, 3 tops, 1 pyjama, 1 dress and 1 pair of shades. worth it right? yeah, im good spender. i dont go for labels. their just labels. cut them off and their nothing. haha. i still have a few things to buy and to do. and, sunway wants me to design their flyers for the coming Ramadhan. 'buka puasa' buffet or special. something like that. not sure. but im sure its a flyer. they're giving me money for that. yay! more jobs. cool. cant wait for the Hong Leong roadshow thingy. im all set to take pictures. haha. the boyfriend told me that tonight will be azek's final night here. he's flying off to melbourne for college. good for him. lucky him. imi stuck in this shithole. but thats not my point. my point is, as everyone knows, BARCELONA VS MAN UNITED at 3am right? and its Azek's last night here before he leaves for melbourne. my lovely boyfriend is kinda grounded. so im kinda bummed that he might not be able to  hang out with them for football and seeing azek off. pity him. he must be devastated. i know him too well. he promised that he wont sneak out. we'll see about that. but im sure he'll hold on to his words this time. he's a changed man. im very proud of him. ok, enough bout them. who will i watch this game with??? the last MAN U vs BARCELONA that i watched was in AC with the whole 'family'. i guess im gona watch it alone at home later. *sigh* boredom kills! anyway, out of the blue, FALO, an old friend of mine text me earlier today. he somehow found my number. i met him when we were in high school. i cant remember how i met him. i think it was through katun. yeah. we had a short fling and it was crappy. he ditched me cuz he didnt think i was pretty and cool enough to be his girl. after a few years, he somehow found out how much i've changed and he wants to be in touch again. the same thing i told every other guy. i have a boyfriend, i love him. anything that gets in between us will die. and yeah, i told him that it was his fault that he's loosing out on me now. haha. too bad man. you had your chance. now i belong to Mr. Putai. too much crapping right? ok, this morning i promised afat that im gona post an entry about my friends. thus, later, i'll write an entry on afat, emi, kak meen, azza, raihan, boy and my besties; naza n aya. see you later.

mixed up

i have finally come to a stage where i know what i want. i know what i should do. so here's the thing. i know he will always support me and be by my side eventhough he drives me crazy sometimes. but i know for sure he'll stand by me. thus, im gona do what i should have done and started a long time ago. no, i wont mention it in here due to some people who will put their fingers on me. let it be between me and the people i want to share them with. haha.

ok, he just cut his hair. so comel and hot. exactly how i wanted. love him! skype is cool. thanx to it, free video calls. haha. i need to be up by 5am 2moro cuz i need to drive to Anson road 2moro morning. my bestie got this interview there 2moro and im driving her there. she needs some good support too. im the best in brainwashing and stuff. communication is my thing. seriously. nobody wins when it comes to talking / debating / fighting with me. anything with communication, im numero uno. haha. 

its late. i need to go to bed. but before that, here's something true. procastination kills. someone once quoted, "procastination is just like masturbation. at first it feels good. after a while you'll realize that you're fucking yourself".. its true.. never procastinate. not good. goodnight people.

holiday

im in serious need of a holiday. i know i cant afford it. but i need to get away and be away from too many people that i know. actually people who knows me. i want to be somewhere that i am a complete stranger. being away from home is essential sometimes. im away alot but only when im studying. i want to bbe away as in free and away. i need a break. i need to take a holiday.

Before I run far away 
I need to take a holiday
Maybe it's a fall from grace
I gotta find a new place
A holiday 
I'll set off on a new chase
I gotta see a new face 
I need to take a holiday
A new start
I've broken too many hearts
And I don't have any clue where to go
but maybe I'll be back 
someday after my holiday
All of the wasted time
The hours that were left behind
The answers that we'll never find
They don't mean a thing tonight

I know...

i know im not ur girlfriend. i know we broke  up. i know things are different. i know i dont matter that much to you anymore. im not important and special to you anynmore. im not the one you  cherish. im not the one you care about the most. im not the one you want to be with anymore. i know all that. but do you have to treat me like dirt? i know for a fact that besides your family, im the one who is worried sick about you. i can bet that none, absolutely none of your friends were worried about you like i was. and absolutely none of your friends care about you half as much as i do. you dont have to keep reminding me. i know where i stand. i know all you are giving me now are just plain empty promises and false hopes. i know you'll never come back to me. i know im waiting for something that will never come. i know that the ending i want will never come true but instead, i'll get more pain in the end. i know i was never good enough and ill never be good enough for you. i know im just a kampung girl who does not fit in with your cool friends and lifestyle. i know im just a loser-nerd who thinks too much about the future and doesnt know how to have fun. i know that to you, im good for nothing. i know a lot of things. things that hurt me the most. but somehow, i choose to stay here and still wait for you. although i know you're not coming back, im still waiting. im stupid right? im hopeless. hopelessly in love with you. i know that you're giving me false hopes, but somehow im still holding on to them. silly me.

im glad that you're finally out and changing. i wish that i could take all your pain and trauma, and put it on me instead. i want you to always be happy. i have a strong feeling tha you will change. but into someone so different that there will be no more space for me at all in your life. i can see you turning into one of them. im nobody against them. im just a small town kampung girl kan? remember? i dont know anything and i dont own anything cool. im sure you won't have space for me anymore right? if thats going to happen anytime soon, ill just go with it. ill live and take everyday as it comes while holding on to all our memories together. ill never let go. never. people can say im stupid for holding on false hopes and empty promises. they dont understand. thats all i have. thats all that you're giving me. thats all i can take. so ill take them and hold on to them. though its killing me slowly, im living with it. i choose to. 

i can live without you, but... without you ill be miserable at best......

p/s: I LOVE YOU

a peace of mind...

my baby is finally out. after 3 excruciating days, i can finally hear his beautiful voice again. im glad that he is home now. i knew it. those stupid corrupted cops would beat him up. damn you malaysian police!

 they are corrupted and most of them just want money under the table. screw you assholes. 

im glad my baby is out. i miss him so much. cant wait to see him. i wanted to be the first to see him after his family but i know that my wish wouldnt come true. they never do. he's gona go see his friends and they'll get to see how he is before i do. when he was inside, i was the one cracking my head thinking abouut him while they were living their lives peacefully. im never appreciated. i should be able to see that by now right? ive done so many things for people. yet, i get nothing in return. people dont even notice that i exist. im kinda mad  by the fact that nobody came and helped me. i mean, my bf is like your best friend right? yeah right. doenst matter that much though. what bothers me is that the fact that the one i love himself is not affected by this. i thought that he would be taken aback by the fact that none of his friends came for me even after i asked for help. obviously i didnt know the way back and all right? thank God for agil. he's not even a friend! i barely know him. a complete stranger helped me. what if he did something bad to me? who would find out? nobody thought about that right? everything is cool cuz i got home safely. what if it was the other way round? what if i went missing after that? so many things clustered in my head. im confused. but one thing i know for sure is that im madly in love with putai. 

sayang, do you know that you drive me mad almost all the time. i love you for that. do you know that you make me work my ass of till im awfully tired to even think? i love you for that too. you've changed alot. for the better and for the worse. my love for you just grew deeper. its a one way thing somehow. hehe. you are the only one who could understand me and notice all the little things that i do. you're the only one who managed to break into my walls. and now you're kinda trapped inside these walls with me. like i always say baby, you're stuck with me...forever... (cant wait to watch OBSESSED with you) hehehe.. 

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR WONDERFUL RESULTS SAYANG!! IM SO PROUD OF YOU!!

p/s: I LOVE YOU

cant sleep. too much thinking going on.

Muhammad Hazwan bin Suhaimi @ Putai

ignore the guy at the back. i miss putai. im supposed to be in bed by now. yes, its pretty obvious isnt it? im still awake. thus, this entry. 

aisya always remind me that i dont need a man or anybody to stand up strongly. i am independent, intelligent and strong. i can do it and i can make it on my own y myself. she is right. but sometimes i do feel like i need someone. and most of the time i need him. i know it sounds so 'mengada-ngada' and yes i admit that i am head over heels for him. its not just about this stupid monkey love or whatever you call it. its just that i cant see myself with anyone else right now. and i know its going to be REALLY hard for me to learn to trust someone else. i dont let people inside these walls that i've built through these years. i let him in. yes, he hurt me now and then but he made me feel alive again. and i dont think i can ever let anyone else in. i dont even think i can open to anyone else like how ive opened up to him. uh huh, i didnt even open up completely to mr.right-place-at-the-right-time. with all that said, i have proven my point that i am in love with him and i will give my all to get us back together and make things like how it used to be.

talk about aisya, here's a confession. some people say that i am obsessed about her. some say that im in love with the drama in her life. the truth is, i am kinda obsessed with her and yes i love the drama too. sometimes i wish that i was her. but then, come to think of it, if i was her, im not as lucky as i am now to have her teaching me all this life's lessons. correct me if im wrong, but im very lucky to have someone like her to look up to. i know, i shouldnt be talking about her that much since we barely even hang out with each other. we talked on the phone twice (that conversation meant alot). we interact online once in a while. thats about it. yes, i do wish i could spent more time with her so we could get to know each other better cuz i know she's the only one who could understand me and the things going on in my life and in my head. and yes i do hope that i can be someone like her and make my parents proud. but then people, me and her, we're from different worlds. i dont fit in with them. eventhough putai is her brother's best friend and i know almost all of them, i just dont fit in. they'r party people. cool people. im just a small town kampung girl from Kulim, Kedah who grew up in Kedah and Penang. im a nerd who loves reading and learning. i get stress out over assignments that are done but not extravagantly. i dont go to parties, events, sessions, (i do, but not many of them). in other words, im a plain jane. i just dont fit in. thats why all i do is watch them form far away. im crapping right? i know. i just need to get all this out of my system. its because of them being cool and me being so uptight-disciplined-nerdy that putai broke up with me. he was too influenced by those cool people. he said he just wants to have fun like them. its  not wrong. but he is just not like them. they know when to stop and where to draw the line. he doesnt. that was why i was so angry when he was always with them. my biggest fear has come forward. he turned into someone else and everything fell apart. you see, when this happened, i needed someone in that group to talk some sense into him but i had nobody. that was why i was kinda stalking aisya cuz in someways i was hoping she would talk to him cuz i know she would understand how i felt. but i did not manage to do it in time. look what happens now. our relationship fell into pieces of broken glass which hurts me everytime i try to put it back together. and look where he is right now. all because of what happened. 

*sigh* 

sayang, just come out and change into who you really are okay? dont try to be someone you're not just to fit in. i dont fit in and in some silly ways, im doing fine. sometimes its cool to be the odd one out. at least you know you are different and unique. i love you sayang. i want whats best for you.

aisyarahman 

this is her. my idol. one of them. hehe. yes, she is very pretty too.

 smart, strong, independent and cool. this leng lui is a super-woman.

 i admit, i envy her.

the day before 'the' day

today was no fun at all. my cousins were here. it wass supposed to be exciting since it has been a long time since i last saw them. but the thing is now, i couldn't get my mind off of the fact that he is in there. i feel awful. i am out here eating good food, wear comfortable clothes, and i get to do what i want without people watching over me. he is in there stuck between four walls with lousy food and everything. i feel bad and im scared for him. im worried that he's not ok in there. food was tasteless today. not because of the cooking. but i spaced out that i couldnt even taste what i was eating. sleep was 'wonderful'. i kept thinking about him. fuck. i've been texting with his sister and she said she'll let me know and keep me updated. 2moro is the day. we'll find out what happens 2moro. i hope everything will turn out good. i want him to be out here with me.

sayang, im so sorry. i never imagined that things will turned out like this. all you wanted was for me to have fun. the cupcakes and all. it was awesome. im grateful to have you. im sorry that you're going thru all this by yourself. if i could be there by your side, i would. i'll sit beside you not leaving you even for a second. i love you sayang. really. with all my heart. you dont know how much you mean to me. i really hope that when all of this is over, things will change back to the way it was. at the same time, i hope we both will learn from this. i love you b.

my bandung trip is postponed..again.. all because of H1N1 crap. damn u mutated swine flu. i might cancel the whole thing. im not really in the mood to be anyway further from him. i want to be as close to him as possible. im getting jobs from my parents. lame huh? quite cool actually. designing pamphlets and flyers for the hotel and my dad's event in june. also, ill be taking pictures during the event. 2 hours for RM350. that's cool rite? i need more jobs please. im getting bored with my holidays. i want new books to read and stuff to do. OR give me putai and everything will be ok. fuck it. im too in love with him. thats dangerous. lets talk about something else k? although i know someway somehow it will be about putai in the end, but lets just try to talk about something else. hmm... oh, i need to call my IT doctor about my ram. and im thinking of getting an EVO8 for myself too.. penTIRU..haha.. eh, dh la.. ngarut je.

Sayang, i hope you're ok. i'll be waiting for you like i always do sayang. im right here and im not moving. i'll always be right here for you. i've always love you and i will always love you. nothing can ever shake this feeling and nothing can come between us. im always praying for you sayang. i love you and im missing you so much. life is not worth living without you and my life is a living hell without you. come back quick. i  need you.

p/s: I LOVE YOU

the best FINALE...

hello readers. i just got back from KL today and i am now connected to the online world again. the trip was fun right till the end. the finale was 'great'. we went to Boiler in hartamas and guess what, there was a raid. yup. urine test and all that shit. i was scared so i was looking at putai. he was scared too. i could see it from his face. who else was there? agil, sarah, nabil, CJ, other friends. well, everything went smoothly up to the point when it was my turn to pee in front of a cop and get tested for drugs. i saw agil went out and my head was like "klau agil lpas xkn la aku x lpas." then they called me and i was let go. too bad putai was held back. seeing him in handcuffs ripped my heart apart. i couldnt eat and sleep since i saw him like that. here i am at home with my family while he is in lock up. what if semput die tiba2 dtg? who's gona look after him? what about the food there? are they beating him up? what is he sleeping on? are the clothes clean cuz if they're not he's gona get rashes. he has sensitive skin. fuck it. i cant think of anything else. i tried my best to get you out baby. im sorry it wasnt good enough. i was alone kot. driving around KL with strangers i barely knew. u told me to ask help from nabil and azek but they did not come for me. agil sent me back. i was so scared i could've shit in my pants. i stayed with agil pon sbb din jambu tu. u knew him, meaning they are your friends too. thank goodness for him. klau x mmg i x blk la. sbb si nabil gemok tu leh bantai g lepak mcD kot syg. i was so pissed i trus blk when agil ajak g jmpe nabil. im sorry syg. i've tried everything. we had to tell your parents sbb if not mmg u xkn lpas lansung. im praying that everything will be over soon. i want you to get out of that shithole and be with me again. please change after this is over. please. when you get out, i have things to tell you. sgt bnyk. now i  have prove on who deserve the title 'friend' and who does not. you need to see the reality sayang. its gona hurt badly, but its the best for you. i have learnt alot thru hardship. and as you know, i've been looking up to aisya for quite sometime kn? you know how hard her life and my life is. trust me sayang, all i want is for you to learn from my experience and lead a better life. 

p/s: I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

post-birthday emotions

no, i did not get what everything i wished for. but i did got my friends back with me. especially that one friend who is very important in my life. an asset for me in next semester too. *wink* it was so much fun. we just 'lepak' the whole 12 hours. we ate alot, had shisha that tasted like fish (which was weird and super funny!) yeah, what happened to the grape man?!! we thought and forced emi to learn how to smoke shisha and all he managed to do was making some weird sounds everytime he tried to inhale. haha~ we didnt do anything much but just spending time together was awesome. we had a great laugh. at first i was a bit 'keras' cuz i didnt how to react. cold treatments for almost a week and suddenly *BAM* you were right there smiling and wishing me. still, i hate you. haha. 'melawak kasar' hee~

i didnt get enough sleep today. went to bed at around 8am and by 9 Roro was right in beside me. yeah, she came over without warning. i got her to go pick up my brother from school while i continue with my recovery. haha. then she got back and we had lunch together with Julian. yea, he came too. then we went out to run a few errands and by 5 i was back at home 'melayan' my bike. haha. 

2moro morning im leaving home very early. (gaya mcm nk lari umah je kn?) im driving to KL to go see my sister, putai and a few hundred friends.haha. i need to go have dinner, finish up my 'work' and start packing. then go to bed early. im gona drive alone. yucks. 

see you on my next crappy post! IM OLD!!! damn!

boredom kills.

hey people! im at home. sucks ain't it? yup. im supposed to be in penang with all 3 of them or maybe just 2 of them but they HAD to cancel. guess what, something came up. all of them. can you believe it? i can't for sure. doesn't matter anyway. i think i might just call up Renaldo and go watch a movie with him. i am so life-less now. the only thing i have in mind now is going over to school and teach those kids. yeah, im still teaching the band during free times. right now im free as a bird. fuck. xde life doe! maybe dinner later with abg eddy, kak syara and lovely ixora. my 'niece'..haha.. cant wait for Teusday. running away! KL here i come. i dont sound like those kampung girls who are excited about leaving to KL right? im just excited cuz being here makes me closer to that person who i dont want to be near with. while in KL, i get to be with my crazy peeps and closer to him. i miss him. just hope that i'll get to see him when im there. i have to go. i'll write more meaningful shit later. 

ciao!

im officially 20!

happy 20th birthday Lya!! yay.. wait, say it right yea, its twenteen..haha.. yup, im dreading this whole ending of TEENage years shit. anyway, celebrating alone sucks. yup, it sucks. as you people may already know, im supposed to be celebrating this special day with the beloved PUTAI cuz its my birthday and its supposed to be our 1st year anniversary. too bad for me, it ended almost 2 months ago. yeah, 2 months and im still not over him yet. how dumb can i be? its not wrong to be in love right? its completely normal right? im in need of serious help people. i cant even get myself up these days. i may look happy but honestly, im broken. this is no drama. i lost something so meaningful to me and i cant seem to replace it. thus, im incomplete. my other half is missing and he took my heart with him. now, life seems emptier and less meaningful. *sigh* what a start for a new blog huh? well, as i said, this is MY blog. you dont like what you see, you leave. i dont need haters in here. ok, enough! new life, right? im 20. its a starting point for me. not the end of the world. presents anyone? as expected, nobody is giving me anything. well, at least i got this new HTC from my parents. my wish list?? here goes..

1. a new guitar

2. a new i pod

3. a black leather jacket

4. a dragon pendant

5. having my friends back

6. party with the people i love

7. new york cheese from secret recipe with 20 candles on it

8. HAVING MY ONE AND ONLY LOVE WITH ME FOREVER, MUHAMMAD HAZWAN BIN SUHAIMI

ade yg mampu bagi??

call me if you can..

HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY SITI LIYA NASHITA.

hello blogger!

ok, im not new in this blogging world. its just that i've been writing in another site before this. i used to write here but not anymore. i think. i might be building my fort here from now on. dont ask me why as i am not sure myself. i was just sitting around and suddenly i have ths urge of creating this one here. anyhow, before i go any further with this, i must tell you that this blog is personal and its mine. so if any of you do not like what im ranting about, stop reading. its as simple as that. dont come to me with stupid and foolish comments cuz honestly, i dont give a fuck. this is my life, my world, my blog. you hate it, screw you. chow!