cant sleep. too much thinking going on.

Muhammad Hazwan bin Suhaimi @ Putai

ignore the guy at the back. i miss putai. im supposed to be in bed by now. yes, its pretty obvious isnt it? im still awake. thus, this entry. 

aisya always remind me that i dont need a man or anybody to stand up strongly. i am independent, intelligent and strong. i can do it and i can make it on my own y myself. she is right. but sometimes i do feel like i need someone. and most of the time i need him. i know it sounds so 'mengada-ngada' and yes i admit that i am head over heels for him. its not just about this stupid monkey love or whatever you call it. its just that i cant see myself with anyone else right now. and i know its going to be REALLY hard for me to learn to trust someone else. i dont let people inside these walls that i've built through these years. i let him in. yes, he hurt me now and then but he made me feel alive again. and i dont think i can ever let anyone else in. i dont even think i can open to anyone else like how ive opened up to him. uh huh, i didnt even open up completely to mr.right-place-at-the-right-time. with all that said, i have proven my point that i am in love with him and i will give my all to get us back together and make things like how it used to be.

talk about aisya, here's a confession. some people say that i am obsessed about her. some say that im in love with the drama in her life. the truth is, i am kinda obsessed with her and yes i love the drama too. sometimes i wish that i was her. but then, come to think of it, if i was her, im not as lucky as i am now to have her teaching me all this life's lessons. correct me if im wrong, but im very lucky to have someone like her to look up to. i know, i shouldnt be talking about her that much since we barely even hang out with each other. we talked on the phone twice (that conversation meant alot). we interact online once in a while. thats about it. yes, i do wish i could spent more time with her so we could get to know each other better cuz i know she's the only one who could understand me and the things going on in my life and in my head. and yes i do hope that i can be someone like her and make my parents proud. but then people, me and her, we're from different worlds. i dont fit in with them. eventhough putai is her brother's best friend and i know almost all of them, i just dont fit in. they'r party people. cool people. im just a small town kampung girl from Kulim, Kedah who grew up in Kedah and Penang. im a nerd who loves reading and learning. i get stress out over assignments that are done but not extravagantly. i dont go to parties, events, sessions, (i do, but not many of them). in other words, im a plain jane. i just dont fit in. thats why all i do is watch them form far away. im crapping right? i know. i just need to get all this out of my system. its because of them being cool and me being so uptight-disciplined-nerdy that putai broke up with me. he was too influenced by those cool people. he said he just wants to have fun like them. its  not wrong. but he is just not like them. they know when to stop and where to draw the line. he doesnt. that was why i was so angry when he was always with them. my biggest fear has come forward. he turned into someone else and everything fell apart. you see, when this happened, i needed someone in that group to talk some sense into him but i had nobody. that was why i was kinda stalking aisya cuz in someways i was hoping she would talk to him cuz i know she would understand how i felt. but i did not manage to do it in time. look what happens now. our relationship fell into pieces of broken glass which hurts me everytime i try to put it back together. and look where he is right now. all because of what happened. 

*sigh* 

sayang, just come out and change into who you really are okay? dont try to be someone you're not just to fit in. i dont fit in and in some silly ways, im doing fine. sometimes its cool to be the odd one out. at least you know you are different and unique. i love you sayang. i want whats best for you.

aisyarahman 

this is her. my idol. one of them. hehe. yes, she is very pretty too.

 smart, strong, independent and cool. this leng lui is a super-woman.

 i admit, i envy her.