i am only human

im always told that when you give something to people, you might not get anything in return, give anyway. i did. so many things. and i get so little in return. i am ok with that. its just that sometimes i want to feel special and appreciated. nothing i do is good enough. people always expect more from me. what am i? mutant? cyborg? im only human. i have feelings. im disappointed in myself. im not doing as g ood as im supposed to or expected to. my boyfriend, the one person that i trust and love the most thinks that im noise in a human body. he treats me like a toy. i know i complaint alot and most people would say "if he's gving you so much drama and shit, just leave".. if i wanted to leave, i would have done that a long time ago. why would i wait for 13 months? you think i like the suffering? the pain? i don't. i hate all that. but i love him. so im swallowing and devouring every single bit of it. its painful and shitty but that is life. life and love is not a bed of roses. its painful and complicated. communication helps. but sadly for me, he never wants to talk. he would find so many excuses to avoid talking about serious things. i dont know what to tell him. i dont know what to say to him to make him see that i really love him. i dont know what to do to make him love me as much. i give up. actually, i said that like a million times then i get back up on my feet and try to put it back together. im contradicting my own words. im holding on to this: relationship are like shattered glass. sometimes it is better to leave it then hurting yourself trying to put it back together. but still, im continuing hurting myself constantly trying so hard to put it back together. wait, who am i kidding? we both know that our relationship was based on lies. he lied to me. he pretended to be someone else and i fell in love with that person. he pretended to love me when all he felt was sympathy. there is no love. never was. i tried to let go. i failed. im not strong enough. weird right? im strong enough to put up with all the shit and drama in my life but im weak when it comes to letting go of someone i love. i've lost so many people in my life. i've lost so many things, chances, time and trust. i cant afford to lose him. he is the only one who understands me. ironically, he is also the only one who doesn't get me. if he doesnt come back, i get it. all i can do is just hope that the old 'Liya' will never come back. i hate her. she'll destroy my future if she comes back.

so many shit to deal with. so many things to put up with. so much pain to swallow. so much love to let go. so many memories to forget. so many plans to cancel. too many. solution? one life to end.

p/s: there are 28 letters now. i dont know how much longer i can do this. not this relationship.but this life. I LOVE YOU.

~END~