Killjoy

today was no fun. i went all the way to buy what his cousin asked for. irmi helped carried the things. thanx. sent him back home, i went home. got into a huge fight. i cried and made myself looked ugly. he still doesnt care. sometimes i feel like letting go of everything and just let myself slip away. maybe im not good enough for him. maybe i should let him free. then maybe he'll find someone thats better than me and could make him happy. but i cant breathe thinking about life without him. i am currently 99% suicidal. everyone is sleeping. i have a kitchen knife in my hand for some weird reasons. i am trembling with fear and sadness. im on the edge of breaking down. when i do, things wont be so pretty. i gave everything i could to everyone. it wasnt enough. never is. never will be. i dont fit in. never did. never will. maybe i should just make way for new life. do you know how to do that? no? this explains it. death open up ways for new life. how i interpret that? kill myself, someone else would live. maybe that person deserves it more and maybe that person will live it way better than me. wait and see. im not sure if he still reads my blog. just a test. b, if u baca blog i, make a random phone call to my celcom number and tell me something that you read / saw in my blog. *sigh* i dont think he does. i pour out my feelings here. if he does, he should understand how i feel. dah la. sedih lama2 sorg2 pon tak jadi apa2. baik buat something. 

oh! thanx to those people who said will always be there when i need someone to talk to. you guys are NEVER there. thank you very much. im depressed. its your fault.

peace

p/s: I ALWAYS LOVE YOU